Christmas Carol

It may be late for yuletide caroling but yesterday night, the Apostles of Mary (a traditionalist Catholic youth group founded by the SSPX exclusively for the youths in the Philippines) came to do carols. The intention was to raise funds for their coming formation sessions next year in Bohol. I personally dislike that kind of activity. I’d rather attend many Ignatian retreats and get a lot of inspirations and strong spirituality formation there than spend it on those formation sessions. But then, people’s metabolism is not always the same. Some would be inspired through constant activities while some are inspired through meditations and sermons. That’s me on the latter while I guess the majority of people falls on the first definition. And perhaps, that’s what the Apostles are catering.

Anyways, when they arrived, I found out they’re still numbering in 8. Yup, this isn’t their first time but their 2nd already. Most of them aren’t from the group but they decided to come along to help cheering the voices up. 6 were young men including the Captain of the Koronodal’s San Miguel Clan while 3 were girls who’re still aspirants for the group, I guess.

I truly appreciate their voices. It was melodious and all together coordinated. It’s as if they did a lot of rehearsing which climaxed in our home. I love most especially when they sang Latin ones but most especially the Ave Maria. Oh my, my heart was leaping for joy as I was hearing that. I couldn’t imagine that they (who’re simple and plain) can, by now, compete with those in the orchestra. The girls weren’t reading anything but they confidently know what they’re voices would be singing when the men sang other parts of the Ave. Simply put, I was thoroughly amazed for the new outlook of the Apostles. They are much more pious. I think credits must go partly to their new chaplain, Fr. Dolotina (himself a former Apostles and now enjoying his 2nd year in the priesthood).

After the singing, they took some photos with their gifts (Mom gave them some snacks). I could see that they’re feeling happy (with their smiling faces) but they just couldn’t express it on words perhaps because of the conflict recently or shyness too. Then Mom gave the money.

But then again, I hear my siblings blaming me (directly or indirectly) for the added expenses. It’s so painful but I learned to accept it with a glad heart already. I denied my emotions and acted as if every insult is passing from one ear to the other.

Now that this is the last day of the year, I wish everyone a meaningful New Year most especially my Dad. I love you, Dad, and wherever you are, may you find God in your heart and peace and happiness still.

As 2008 enters, I’d be more loyal to my New Year’s Resolution and continue hoping that God and the Blessed Virgin would guide my whole life.

Struggling Into Pieces

Today’s the 4th day of Christmas. Finally, I was able to make it here after more than a month long absence. I honestly love to write here many things about my life but my duties and prayers are always taking most of my time. Add here the season of Christmas - this truly makes a busier and frenzied day for my family.

Holidays are joyful. Yes, that’s the famous saying of Christmas. This Christmas, I’d say things went well. For the first time ever, the weather was sweet (that is, cold) here in Mindanao. It was that weather I’ve been longing for as I was accustomed from my beloved Luzon. We went to the Novus Ordo Cathedral to pay a visit then when evening came, we went to the governor’s office and strolled to see the grandest lights beautifully arrayed there. Aside from our home, it was so magnificent and comparable to Manila based wonder lights there. I could really feel the spirit of Christmas. Indeed, I never had that radiant Christmas experience for quite a long time now.

But things aren’t always merry. Dad isn’t home and my family got mad to me 4 days before Christmas. It was because I decided to receive the Sacraments without their knowing about it. I intentionally did it for I perfectly know they would forbid me. Well, the result was a bit intriguing. The visiting priest corrected me and that I should apologize to Mom. I did on that very night but I guess it’s not enough so I decided to give her a letter this day. I don’t know what she’d feel about it but I’m hoping that she’ll understand. In that letter, I tried explaining in a humblest way my desires and shortcomings too. I told her how much she means to me and I ended in: I love you, Mom, and will forever be! By the way, Mom is in Davao right now doing her medical check up routine.

I’m very much glad that I was able to receive our Lord this month. I’m happier than ever and much apt in suffering gladly. The pains and insults are nothing when I know God is abiding in me. That’s enough to comfort me even if there’s no one in my family who shares the same belief.

Also, I’m thankful that everything went well this Christmas despite the chaos. I’ve been pleading in tears to God that it wouldn’t be spoiled and He granted it. But deep inside, I’m still getting hurt day after day. I couldn’t perfectly understand why God wants me to suffer these awful consequences. I feel like being thrown in the dirt whenever I hear false accusations against me that I sometimes burst into tears in prayer. Still, I’m holding on. I try giving my best in my work no matter how drained I feel due to emotions. I know I’m not mocked much more than my crucified Savior. Perhaps, I just deserve this kind of life. I’m not going to be bitter about it but rather be positive and accepting it gladly and patiently.

It was all by Divine Providence that I was able to make it for He knows I truly do not want to pass this year without receiving Him. I was trembling for I didn’t know if I’d make it after all my 2 sisters saw me. But God willed that they didn’t seem to be bothered about my departure. Despite all odds from my family - my eldest sister shouting at me on the phone; my eldest brother insisting that I immediately return home; and worst, my mother calling me names - I managed to remain firm in my decision. I told them politely that I’m not coming home without receiving the Sacraments which the priest gave me his full consent.

So now, I’ll try to be as close to God as possible. Now that I have him, I’ll try not to lose Him by any mortal/venial sins. I’ll make it sure to be more aware of displeasing Him. I’ll try not to deprive Him of love. In praying and constant meditation, I guess I shall be successful on my goal.

Oh Lord my God, keep me always near Thy Heart. Never permit me to be far away again! Oh my Blessed Mother, thou who never left me even to my darkest moments, help me to fulfill this even more perfectly this time around! Amen.