Life without Sense

Last Friday night, my father had been unconscious. Thanks to his friend, he was rushed to the hospital. We were shocked to hear the news a few hours afterwards since he was all far alone in Mindanao outskirts for a business trip as usual. Why does it have to happen there now that we were all back in Manila?

It was indeed a great turmoil but we were relieved to know that he was resuscitated and was transferred to the ICU. The following morning, my mother accompanied by my brothers took the second earliest flight and flew to Cagayan de Oro City to be at our father’s bedside.

But that left us all alone. Ever since they left, a sense of quietness appeared in every corner of the home. It wasn’t hectic as the usual morning day. My brothers’ room was silent with only hush of wind blowing from time to time. The dining room was incomplete yet peaceful. Everything was finally without chaos. Yet deep in my heart, I knew I do crave for this atmosphere but not with the risk of someone dying. Indeed, I pondered and asked myself if I was still on the right track with Our Lord.

Ever since November of last year, my life has been very busy. I was sent to school to study more and gain more knowledge. But with knowledge comes a great responsibility. Having chosen medical transcription, we were required to memorize medical terms of a certain branch of medicine given a week’s time. I exerted all my effort to master it and asked God’s forgiveness for not being able to give more time to Him than I usually do. I miss it but I can’t help it either. I need to recompense what my parents are paying for my tuition.

But as time goes by, I felt dissipated. I began to long for inner peace which the classroom couldn’t give. Activities e.g. teamwork and role playing were all but nonsensical since it wasn’t correlated to God. I was sick and tired of praises and laughs that’s only deafening me. Although I love what I was studying, time and time again, I had this exhaustion while doing nothing really great. Illogical as it may seem but I was concentrated yet disturbed at the same time. I knew I need a way out. Every time I returned home, I longed to read the spiritual books and articles that used to enlighten me. Yet I was left without a choice. I’ve to pick up my modular book again and read and read to make it on next week’s exam. My only consolation was the weekly words of the priests in the confessional and in the pulpit. I try to repeat it oftentimes on my mind so that it echoes wherever I go or whatever I do.

Now that I had informed my school administrator of the family crisis and excused myself, I was too glad tossing off my medical text books and exchanged it to spiritual ones. It was a pleasure reading it as I could see where my life is really at. As I re-read the Soul of the Apostolate by Dom Chautard, I was finally refreshed. I returned back to my 15 minute meditation and resumed my 15 decade Rosary. Indeed, I saw myself in the book. My soul is wandering, weary and drifting out. It is alive yet dry and can almost be considered as dead. For the Sacraments of Penance and Holy Communion are not enough for the Catholic soul. In order to maintain the soul’s vitality and Christ living in it, one has to take a break from the usual routine and enter deeply into one’s life through meditation. As the book rightly says, we need not talk and talk to God all the time. Rather, let God do the talking. He wants us to be silent that He may be able to communicate to us His will. His loving command is sweet that it is only the coward who does not heed. It was then I regained my vibrancy and became aware again that active works can only be meritorious if interior life is not neglected. I felt like I was back to grade I but was too happy ignoring my stage. I felt like a little child again with innocence and simplicity at its best.

Indeed, this world gives nothing but allurements which cannot totally satisfy any individual, much more its soul. One cannot concentrate on one’s goal without first shutting the world behind for it is only the Creator Who brought nothing into existence. Hence, the need for His ways. And this I have fully experienced during the past months at school. Any school has no wish but to make the student brighter in this world but duller in God’s life. There are few exceptions, though, such as the SSPX schools. But in most cases, the pupil will be flooded with materialism and egoism forgetting, if not ignoring, God’s words.

Hence, I was far too glad that I had a break from school. It was a blessing in disguise that my father is hospitalized. Though, I pray that he recover soon and be back to normal, both he and I indeed need to be revived from poison. He, from his uncontrolled diet and I, from my sunken soul. As the day continues to pass, I have come to fully appreciate again God’s wonderful ways. I need not worry about anything if I but follow His ways. Arduous as it may be, it is the sweetest and surest way my soul will eventually reach perfect bliss with God in eternity.

Oh Lord my God, I thank Thee for all the blessings Thou hast bestowed upon Thy maid. Let me learn to always keep intact my meditation no matter what situation arises. Teach me to be at pace so that I have time for my daily meditation. Thou art wonderful in everything and I can’t help but express my gratitude for stirring me up when I was about to lose control.

Oh my Blessed Mother, I thank thee for ever supporting me during those tepid months. Indeed, how wonderful is thy Rosary for through it, I was saved from totally abandoning thy Divine Son! Amen.