Sunday, September 02, 2007

Pursuing Away ─ In Pain

September. Tomorrow it will be the feast of St. Pius X. Soon it will be the nativity of our Blessed Virgin Mary, then the feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross, then the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows. The third one I mentioned is quite notable to me (as well as to the SSPX) as the Motu Proprio would take effect on the Novus Ordo Catholic parishes worldwide. I hope it would be the start of rediscovering the Tridentine Latin Mass to most Novus Ordo Catholic priests. This month will also be very significant to me for the first time in my life as on the 19th, marks my very first anniversary of confirmation!

September. Most people say: “Hey it’s ber months once more. Time to anticipate Christmas season!” Well, it’s exhilarating to know that but deep down I began asking myself: Will my Christmas be really merry? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about gifts or special foods or trips to here or there. I’m pointing out the spirit of Christmas. About my own spirit of Christmas, should I say. Will it be warm this time? Or would it be dry as usual? With all the spectacular Christmas lights as bright as it can be, with lanterns and a magnificent Christmas tree, outsiders would be really easily fooled that inside this home, people are the happiest of the happiest. Safe to say, though, but that’s not the reality of my heart. One can never be actually glad without God.

September. When was the last time I received my God? Last September. Last what ─ a year??? Is this really true??! Wow. I can’t believe it’s that far already. What did I do on those past 12 months? I prayed, did acts of charity and mortification, studied, but never had the opportunity to be fed by spiritual nourishment. Everything isn’t complete because I haven’t received my God, the Sole Being why I still live. Everyday that passes by was like a feather that was blown and never really landed on a safe ground. It kept treading until it was scattered on the air lost amidst the earth’s sphere. Indeed, I have no weight without God.

I’m doing fine, though not contented. My frenzied life seems to exhaust me too as I always get a slight headache. Not much bothering as I can still move. I know there’s no one to blame but myself since I barely eat at lunchtime. During the day, I got this dilemma that when my eyes begin to close and I start catching to sleep, the moment my head reaches my pillows, the dizziness suddenly get lost. It’s as if my brain wants to be active again! Oh, is that so?! Okay. You have it. Even my brain says it so. I’m very much an active human being. My sleeping time is only throughout the night — and sometimes it’s not even continuous ─ 6 hours the most.

My life can never be truly “regularized” as long as I haven’t received my God. I feel like running away and finding this Road where my heart yearns. But then I know I must wait and persevere at the moment. God works in mysterious ways. I may never completely understand it but I’ll always follow His voice.

O Lord, my God, I’m so lost without Thee! I didn’t realize how painful it is before! Through the intercession of the most Blessed Virgin Mary, I ask that Thou keep me and help me comprehend Thy will. Make me learn from experience that I may readily embrace humiliation with discretion! Amen.

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